Here I Am Again

Sa totoo lang, I already know the do's and don'ts 'pag dating sa pakikipag-relasyon. But my problem is, I don't exercise them. I have noticed na mabilis akong ma-in love at mabilis akong mag-assume. 'Pag may nakilala ako, at sandali kong naka-usap at nabaitan ako, lalo na kung gusto ko naman., I don't hold myself from showing him what I feel. Napaka-transparrent ko lalo na pag-dating sa emotions. I always defend myself from this, saying: "at least nagpaka-totoo lang ako", I want everything straight foward", "I speak my mind" "liberated akong tao" and sooo many other single lines na gina-gamit ko just to defend myself. Bandang huli, wala rin. Ilang beses na akong nag-reflect about this, until I've come up with several things or may I say "principles of handling a relationship" base na din sa opinion ng mga friends ko at sa sarili kong karanasan. Mystery, Secrets, and Thrill. Of course ako lang gumawa nito, there's really no perfect formula or standard formula in handling a relationship. Every situation is unique, at least ito ang sitwasyon ko.

Dahil sa masyado akong open, predictable, and vocal, nawawalan ako ng mystery. At first, ok sana. Pero I've realized na ang relasyon ay hindi pang isang linggo lang. With me losing mystery, my partner would tend to get bored without anything to look forward to. Kungbaga, alam na n'ya ang buong pagka-tao ko, nakaka-sawa daw 'yun.

Another thing is 'yung "secrets". There are things that are better left untold. Mga bagay na alam kong makaka-sira sa relasyon. Eh kaso, dahil sa kagustuhan kong magpaka-honest at magpaka-totoo, I always open Pandora's box in every relationship that I'm trying to build. Sometimes secrets can help flourish the need and the want for each other.

Sa isang telenovela, kahit gaano kaga-galing ang mga artista, kahit gaano ka-laki ng budget kung ang istorya ay walang thrill, hindi rin ito bi-benta sa mga manonood. Napansin ng mga friends ko at kahit ako napuna ko na din ito sa sarili ko, na sa simula lang nakaka-ramdam ng thrill sa relasyon ang partner ko. Wala akong mood swings, straight to the point lahat, walang drama, walang spice, walang twist, just simple, plain, and flat. You'll automatically see the horizon. Walang lubak at walang liko, the parameter is set and it's only confined in one single plate. Sabagay, kahit naman sino ay maba-bagot talaga sa ganun. I dunno, siguro gusto ko lang maayos ang lahat, planado at walang mali. Kaso, sa sobrang pagiging O.C. (obsessive compulsive) ko, lalong nasi-sira lahat.

I tried applying these 3 principles sa mga naki-kilala ko. Napuna ko, kaya ko palang gawin 'yun with guaranteed results, but that's only to those people whom I am less interested with. Of course, with them I could keep secrets, have mood swings from now and then and drive the relationship in a steep, rocky road. Guess what, it really works. I can make my partner stay and fight for the relationship, pero ako ang umaayaw. Siguro, dahil hindi ko talaga totoong mahal, or siguro pati ako ay nahihirapan sa ganung set up or baka naman hindi 'yun ang totoong ako.

Ewan ko. 'Pag dating sa totoong gusto ko at mahal ko, automatic, sweet agad, "I love you" agad, kiss agad, confess agad, plan agad. Sabi ng bestfriend ko, masyado daw akong easy-to-get. Try ko naman daw na mag-pakipot minsan at itago 'yung feelings ko. Nakukuha daw kasi ako nang walang kahirap-hirap, konting pa-sweet lang at konting bait, hulog na hulog na agad ako. Sa tingin ko tama siya.

Initially, maganda ang reaksyon nila about my views, romantic daw kasi. Pero bakit mabilis mag-sawa ang tao? Napaka-ironic, halos lahat ng pinag-tanungan ko ay gusto 'yung ganun, pero once they have it, they will look for a distraction, drama, luha at hirap. Dahil dun daw nagiging matatag ang relasyon. Well, I can't keep a relationship that eventually will fall, neither keeping it for a longer time with me fooling myself and not being happy at all. All I want is somebody who will love me without any conditions. Who will let me be me, the real me and will still stay with me whoever I am. But I guess, that's too perfect. Maybe the problem is me, being perfectionist, obsessive compulsive, and futuristic. So I thought, I'm not the marrying type, and I will never ever find what I'm looking for. So, I accepted it, maybe it's my fate, I programmed my mind, prepared myself that I will be single forever. Anyway I can seriously find happiness in my own ways... alone. And it's true, I've been experiencing happiness alone for almost 3 years now, and I'm still alive and kicking. But for some strange reasons, here I am again, back to zero, like I never learned... hurting and asking. Well then, I should say, "guess I'm not losing hope". It's either he finds me, or I'll find him.

"I'm too young to settle, too early to get tired, and too hot to be bitter."

Destructive Connection

every time i meet new people, every time i make a connection, and every time i get close to them, i know that sooner or later we'll be more than strangers to each other. after knowing each other's secrets, sharing thoughts about everything, acknowledging the differences and weaknesses, establishing respect and trust, there will be a point that you'll gonna ask "what's next?" this is when this so called "destructive connection" gets into the picture.

this is the stage where we have to decide whether we opt to stay connected or not. the stage that we have to look for the answer to the question "what else i could discover about you after uncovering everything?" sad to say in my case, it seems that this destructive connection took the liberty to decide on my behalf, by ending the bond that we both enjoyed. leaving shared memories to the forgotten chest and eventually turn everything around.

i may not be a people-pleaser person, but i wanna stay connected to people who share the same interests as i am. ='(

Endo

End of Contract.

Every person we've met, every relationship we've had, every rejection we've shed tears, every triumph we've celebrated, there is one sole reason why we had them, and will eventually end their contract after they served their purpose.

I've met an older guy to teach me the essence of waiting...

I've had my latest 5-month relationship to experience what it's like get totally committed...

I've got rejected for several times by the same guy for me to realize my self-worth...

And I've reached some of my goals at this early age to prove the world that I can do it......

All of them have done their purpose, they've brought the best out of me, and helped me become a better me. Eventually, they have to go, they have reached the end of their contract. I'd like to thank them for doing their part in molding me to be the person that I am right now. 

All the things that are happening to me, are the best things that are intended for me.

Sa'yo Pa Rin Ang Huling Desisyon

Hindi mahalaga kung iba ang iniisip ng mga tao tungkol sa'yo lalo na kung hindi mo naman alam kung ano ang iniisip nila sayo.

If you lose your virginity to some losers, syempre iisipin ng mga tao ang tanga mo. Pero kung para sa'yo magaling siya sa kama at naka-limang orgasms ka at sobrang nag-enjoy ka, ramdam mong 'di ka pa din dehado baka nga umulit ka pa eh. Kung feeling mo ang ganda-ganda mo sa damit mo kahit iniisip ng mga taong mukha kang pokpok, pero syempre walang nag lakas loob na sabihin sa'yo 'yun at hindi ka aware, at the end of the day ramdam mong maganda ka pa din at papaniwalaan mong yung mga taong tumingin sa'yo ay gandang ganda sa'yo kahit iniisip nilang ang cheap mo. Still, ang masusunod ay kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan mo. Kung feeling mo ikina-sosyal mo na ang pagsabi ng "oh my gosh" sa loob ng jeep kahit mukha kang katulong dahil nagtinginan sa'yo ang mga tao akala mo namangha sila dahil marunong kang mag-english pero ang totoong iniisip nila sayo ay trying hard ka, still you will feel good dahil na boost mo ang morale mo sa sarili mong way. Kung feeling mo mahal ka pa din ng bf mo dahil he still shows that he cares kahit ilang beses mo na siyang nahuling may kalandian, ituloy mo lang dahil through that kahit papano napapa-saya ka pa din niya by believing that he still loves you at gusto mo 'yun. Kung feeling mo ikina-talino mo na ang pag kontra sa nakararami dahil iba kang mag-isip sa paniniwala mo, walang magagawa ang mga tao sa paligid mo dahil para sa'yo mas matalino ka sa kanila. Kung feeling mo mas may wisdom ka dahil mas matanda ka sa mga kasamahan mo at madami kang na-experience kahit ang totoo ay mali ka na at tanga ka lang talaga, dahil sigurado kang tama ka, walang makaka-pigil sa'yo kahit na sino.

"Lie sits within the word beLIEve". Kahit ano pa man ang sitwasyon, wether tama ka o mali, ikasa-sama mo man o hindi, pangit man o maganda, kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan mo 'yun pa din ang susundin mo. Nagkakatalo-talo lang naman 'yan sa resulta ng sitwasyon eh.

Lucky dog me

March 30th 2009, first pay check in my new job sa Etel with new ATM sa Union Bank, excited at may ngiti sa mga labi habang nagmamadali akong pumasok sa ATM booth. Since bago lang yung card may default PIN ito na nakalagay sa information paper, I have to change the pin for security purposes of course, believing na activated na yung card (kasi naman, sabi ng HR activated na daw). So ayun, I changed the pin and discarded the information paper na pinunit ko nang pinong-pino at tinapon ko sa trash can. Kampante akong umuwi ng bahay at natulog, I was looking forward to get my first ever pay check for almost a month of training.

Morning the next day, March 31st, I've been hearing a lot of good things about sa sweldo, malaki daw dahil isang buong buwan kaming nag-training at real-time pa daw yung pay out. Kaya ako naman sumugod agad ako sa ATM booth, pumila sa napaka-habang linya ng tao, nag-hintay, at umasa only to find out na yung bagong PIN ko ay hindi pumasok and I still have to use the old one. Reason - kasi daw hindi pa daw activated yung card ko kahapon kaya balewala yung pin change ko. But the real problem was not the status of the card, it's the pin itself. Kailangan yung original at default pin ang gamitin ko to withdraw or access my account. I didn't know it, I didn't have it, tinapon ko na yun sa basurahan kagabi. Gumuho ang mundo ko, bigla akong nanlumo sa nalaman, para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Nawalan ako ng gana sa training, wala akong pera eh, yung mga kasama ko meron. I called Union Bank customer service and gave me two options: transact over the counter for the meantime, or wait till I get the replacement card. Of course I need the money na, kaya I went to the bank and discussed the options, and I learned that the bank doesn't have records for ATM pins since its confidential, so no choice talaga kelangan ko talagang palitan yung card ko. Lalo lang akong nainis, kasi puwera sa 2 weeks ang hihintayin ko to get the replacement card, eh magbabayad pa ako ng 150 pesos, tapos yung card na ipapalit eh ang pangit ng itsura tapos wala pang pangalan ko, kaasar! Dinagdagan pa ng 100 pesos na over the counter transaction charge pag magwi-withdraw ako. Haaay, its just like, I'll be waiting for 2 weeks at mababawasan pa yung pera ko ng 250 pesos. Hindi ako pumayag, pinilit kong gawan ng paraan, kahit alam kong wala na talagang iba pang paraan, ahihihi. I tried my luck to check the trash can na naka-lagay dun sa ATM booth kung saan tinapon ko yung punit-punit na transaction paper ko ang kaso malinis na. So I asked the manager about the trash, (sosyal diba? manager pa ang tinanong just for the trash) kung kelan sila naglinis at nagtapon ng basura. The manager called the maintenance personnel to get an answer, and good thing, yung basura kagabi ay hindi pa niya natatapon. I asked the manager if I could check it out malay mo naman kung andun pa yung pirapirasong papel na pinunit ko diba? Mabuti nalang at mabait yung manager pinayagan akong kalkalin yung basura. Walang hiya-hiya, nagpa-sama ako sa janitress para tingnan yung lukot-lukot na mga papel at isa-isahing tingnan ang bawat basura sa posibilidad na yun ang hinahanap ko. Nakita ko yung ibang parte ng information paper at sinusubukan kong buohin na wari'y puzzle ang mga ito. Hindi ko akalain at hindi ko sukat ma-imagine kung ano ang mararamdaman ko, dahil after around 10 minutes ng pagpapaka-baba ko sa aking pagkatao ay himalang nakita ko ang napaka-liit na piraso ng papel at nandun ang 4 na mahiwagang numero na bubuo ng araw ko - 5-0-5-4. Hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ko, at kung paano ko ipapaliwanag ang nangyari, basta the only thing that I did was I tightly hugged the maintenance personnel, thanked her and rushed to the ATM booth to check, and praise God, it worked!

Nagpa-salamat ako sa bank manager, sa janitress, sa guard, at sa iba pang empleyado dun na naka-saksi sa fabulous na tagumpay ko. Nag-withdraw ako at pagkatapos pinalitan ko na din yung pin, this time for real. At least hindi na ako mag-hihintay ng 2 weeks at hindi na din ako magbabayad ng 250 pesos bank charges.

Nakaka-tuwang isipin na ang nangyari sa akin nung araw na iyon ay reflection ng buhay ko o ng buhay natin. Corny I know, pero kung iisipin mo, pwede eh. Seeing life in general with what happened, no matter how impossible the situation is, how hard it is to decide, how much the consequences will be, whether or not it's your fault, still there's always a way to get through it. There will always be options for us to choose from, there will be people who will always be willing to help us, and you always have yourself to keep you company even up to the lowest part of your journey. Sooner or later, you'll get what's intended for you.

Cuts

CUTS

(Saturday, May 30, 2009)

Blown away, left behind like nowhere else to go.

Bridled with the glowing eyes in the shadow.

A mystified heart struggling to be freed,

heaved with astounding joy yet to be feed.

Closed eyes affright of berserk passion.

A soul eloped with the cold night's prevarication.

Muted lips with strangled words that ran amuck.

Laying and daydreaming you can call me a mutt.

Your smile that incise me from within.

Thou only love could enfold a heart in pain.

The smell of your breath, it summons my sanity.

Every teardrop will deeply cut indubitably.

'diko alam kung in love ba ako dito o in pain or both. basta ang alam ko, inspired akong gumawa ng tula nito... hope you like it... =D

Laro, laro, laro...

Unconsciously, aminin man natin o hindi, may certain na laro tayong sinusundan sa bawat relasyon, buhay, pag-ibig, trabaho, kaaway, kaibigan at kapamilya. Pati sa sarili mo, nakikipag-laro ka din. At ang catch pa dito, kapag hindi ka marunong makipag-laro, talo ka kahit anong galing mo o kahit anong buti mo o kaya nama'y kahit gaano pa ka-sincere ng intention mo, dapat mo pa ding matutunang makipag-laro. Kahit hindi ka player, you will be forced to become one.

Ang rules ng laro ay applicable sa lahat ng sitwasyon sa buhay, but I'd like to focus more on love, siyempre... I'm a hopeless romantic guy, ano pa ba? Napa-pansin ko kasi na kahit gaano mo kagusto ang isang tao, kahit mahal na mahal niyo ang isa't-isa, kung hindi marunong makipag-laro ang partner, for sure matagal na ang 5 months sa relasyon niyo. Ang dami kong kakilalang ganyan, ako mismo nakaranas na. Naalala ko 'yung isang episode ng "Sex and the City" sabi dun, kapag first date mo, whether lalaki ka o babae, kelangan ikaw yung hinahabol. Hindi ka dapat maunang tumawag sa kanya after ng date, kapag tumawag siya today, maghintay ka muna ng about 2-3 days bago ka tumawag uli, para hindi ka magmukhang nagkakandarapa sa kanya. Kapag mag-asawa na, kelangan mag-pretend kang masaya ka palagi pag dating sa sex kung ayaw mong hiwalayan ka. Pag dating sa break ups, dapat pag nagkita kayo ng ex mo, kelangan maganda ka para hindi niya sabihing youre still mourning. Things like that na I really find it absurd.

Bakit kailangan pa nating makipag-laro sa mga taong gusto natin, mahal natin, at malapit sa puso natin? Ako, makikipag-laro ako sa mga taong pampalipas ko lang ng libog, 'yung tipong one night stand lang, 'yung mga taong kinaiinisan ko, 'yung mga taong gusto ko talagang paglaruan at pagtawanan. Pero bakit ganun ang tao? Mahal naman nila, umaayaw pa, gusto naman nila, pakipot pa, naghahanap noon, ngayong andiyan na, ang daming "pero" ang daming demands. Nakaka-lito din ang tao eh no? Hindi natin alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto natin. At ang nakaka-tuwa dito, 'yung gusto natin ay nagbabago every now and then, especially kapag nakuha na natin 'yung gusto natin, we'll be looking for something else.

May kilala akong nagsabing: "gusto ko sa guy 'yung mamahalin ako ng totoo, kahit hindi ganun ka-gwapo basta may koneksiyon kaming dalawa..." ang perfect diba? Kikiligin ka eh pag narining mo. Kaso, 'nung dumating na 'yung taong 'yun - pang-relasyon material eh, hindi ganun ka-gwapo pero 'yung character and personality niya ang nagpapa-gwapo sa kanya. May kilig namang nararamdaman, pero bakit kulang pa rin sa kanya. Biglang nabago ng kaunti 'yung "gusto" niya. This time, kelangan gwapo na... We are still looking for something better than that, I don't know kung ano na naman ang gugustuhin niya after niyang makuha 'yung "gwapo".

Kung sino man ang nagpa-uso ng larong ito, hindi maganda. Hindi maganda ang reasoning at goal ng naimbento niyang laro. Pero I have to admit, dahil sa larong ito nagkakaroon ng thrill ang bawat relasyon na alam ko. But still, itong larong ito, doesn't serve the purpose of love. Kung ganun lang kasi, HINDI LOVE ANG GUSTO NATIN, THRILL ANG GUSTO NATIN. Naiinis ako each time na may gumagamit ng love as their reason to escape, kesyo wala ng love na nararamdaman etc. where in fact, THRILL ang nawala na pinipilit pa din nating hinahanap-hanap sa iba't-ibang tao. Kasi kung mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, wala kang paki-alam sa rules, sa mga dos and don'ts, sa mga sasabihin ng tao, sa sasabihin mo sa sarili mo, hanggat alam mong ibinibigay mo ng buo ang pagmamahal mo, 'yun ang love.

Sana wala nalang laro, sana puro nalang love.

Let's Do It Together

I've met a gay couple, about six month ago. They've been together for 8 years! I was like amazed on how they kept the fire burning the fact that they're living in together and knowing almost everything about each other, but they still find each other sexy.

I got to know them through manjam -- an online gay social networking site. It was like 10 O'clock in the morning when they sent me a message asking me if I'd like to have fun by starting a day with a threesome, I liked the idea so I meet them. They're like in their early 30's but still good looking and of course in shape. When I arrived, they were very warm and friendly, "professional" if I may call it. It took us approximately 20 minutes of light conversation and knowing basic things about each other before we started the party. It was a great play, the players were open and mature. It was one of the plays that I enjoyed.

One thing came into my senses after that, I think they're not doing it because they're not faithful nor they don't find each other attractive anymore, they simply do it to just add twist in their relationship. I've known several couples who does the same thing to keep the relationship going and make it more exciting. I myself, did it once. We cannot ignore the fact that no matter how much we try to keep the attraction for each other, temperature will eventually drop especially when we get too familiar on everything. Every strand of his hair, every freckle on his chest, every wrinkle when he smiles, every time he says "I love you". You'll get used to them not because you're tired of them but because you know they won't go away. And most of the time, we often misinterpret this "security" to something ugly as what we call "falling out of love".

What's Wrong With Being Number 2?

Most of us would like to be on top, will do everything to get out of the bottom. Being number 1 is the locus of our system, for business, for career, for studies, for relationships, for family, everything. I mean, billions of people in the world are striving to be the best and be the number one without realizing that it's like YOU vs. the WORLD. That would be real tough to prove your worth to everyone, right?

I've read a small yet powerful book of Mitch Albom, "Tuesdays With Morrie". Morrie Schwartz said, unconsciously, all of us would like to be recognized on all the things that we do and that's not a crime. But most of the time, we tend to focus on reaching the top without appreciating what we have accomplished so far. There's this part of the book where Morrie and his student Mitch were at the gym, there was a cheerleading group practicing and doing their stunts and chants. Morrie noticed something in their chant, they kept on saying "we're number 1" annoyingly. So what Morrie did, he stood up and shouted, "what's wrong with being number 2 ?!!"

Yeah, there's really nothing wrong with being number 2, in fact, it's already an achievement being the second best. That line shook me up from head to toe. I've never been the best on everything, the truth is, I even consider myself as a mediocre creature. But that line made me feel better and realized that there's really nothing wrong being me, being number 2.

Thailand

I'm planning to visit Thailand for 5 days or a week by the end of this year. I'm still doing some research so I could see as much tourist spots as I could for that short period of time. Hoping PAL or Cebu Pacific has airfare promos to Thailand soon. My problem is, since I'll be travelling alone, baka maligaw ako. lolz.