Sa totoo lang, I already know the do's and don'ts 'pag dating sa pakikipag-relasyon. But my problem is, I don't exercise them. I have noticed na mabilis akong ma-in love at mabilis akong mag-assume. 'Pag may nakilala ako, at sandali kong naka-usap at nabaitan ako, lalo na kung gusto ko naman., I don't hold myself from showing him what I feel. Napaka-transparrent ko lalo na pag-dating sa emotions. I always defend myself from this, saying: "at least nagpaka-totoo lang ako", I want everything straight foward", "I speak my mind" "liberated akong tao" and sooo many other single lines na gina-gamit ko just to defend myself. Bandang huli, wala rin. Ilang beses na akong nag-reflect about this, until I've come up with several things or may I say "principles of handling a relationship" base na din sa opinion ng mga friends ko at sa sarili kong karanasan. Mystery, Secrets, and Thrill. Of course ako lang gumawa nito, there's really no perfect formula or standard formula in handling a relationship. Every situation is unique, at least ito ang sitwasyon ko.
Dahil sa masyado akong open, predictable, and vocal, nawawalan ako ng mystery. At first, ok sana. Pero I've realized na ang relasyon ay hindi pang isang linggo lang. With me losing mystery, my partner would tend to get bored without anything to look forward to. Kungbaga, alam na n'ya ang buong pagka-tao ko, nakaka-sawa daw 'yun.
Another thing is 'yung "secrets". There are things that are better left untold. Mga bagay na alam kong makaka-sira sa relasyon. Eh kaso, dahil sa kagustuhan kong magpaka-honest at magpaka-totoo, I always open Pandora's box in every relationship that I'm trying to build. Sometimes secrets can help flourish the need and the want for each other.
Sa isang telenovela, kahit gaano kaga-galing ang mga artista, kahit gaano ka-laki ng budget kung ang istorya ay walang thrill, hindi rin ito bi-benta sa mga manonood. Napansin ng mga friends ko at kahit ako napuna ko na din ito sa sarili ko, na sa simula lang nakaka-ramdam ng thrill sa relasyon ang partner ko. Wala akong mood swings, straight to the point lahat, walang drama, walang spice, walang twist, just simple, plain, and flat. You'll automatically see the horizon. Walang lubak at walang liko, the parameter is set and it's only confined in one single plate. Sabagay, kahit naman sino ay maba-bagot talaga sa ganun. I dunno, siguro gusto ko lang maayos ang lahat, planado at walang mali. Kaso, sa sobrang pagiging O.C. (obsessive compulsive) ko, lalong nasi-sira lahat.
I tried applying these 3 principles sa mga naki-kilala ko. Napuna ko, kaya ko palang gawin 'yun with guaranteed results, but that's only to those people whom I am less interested with. Of course, with them I could keep secrets, have mood swings from now and then and drive the relationship in a steep, rocky road. Guess what, it really works. I can make my partner stay and fight for the relationship, pero ako ang umaayaw. Siguro, dahil hindi ko talaga totoong mahal, or siguro pati ako ay nahihirapan sa ganung set up or baka naman hindi 'yun ang totoong ako.
Ewan ko. 'Pag dating sa totoong gusto ko at mahal ko, automatic, sweet agad, "I love you" agad, kiss agad, confess agad, plan agad. Sabi ng bestfriend ko, masyado daw akong easy-to-get. Try ko naman daw na mag-pakipot minsan at itago 'yung feelings ko. Nakukuha daw kasi ako nang walang kahirap-hirap, konting pa-sweet lang at konting bait, hulog na hulog na agad ako. Sa tingin ko tama siya.
Initially, maganda ang reaksyon nila about my views, romantic daw kasi. Pero bakit mabilis mag-sawa ang tao? Napaka-ironic, halos lahat ng pinag-tanungan ko ay gusto 'yung ganun, pero once they have it, they will look for a distraction, drama, luha at hirap. Dahil dun daw nagiging matatag ang relasyon. Well, I can't keep a relationship that eventually will fall, neither keeping it for a longer time with me fooling myself and not being happy at all. All I want is somebody who will love me without any conditions. Who will let me be me, the real me and will still stay with me whoever I am. But I guess, that's too perfect. Maybe the problem is me, being perfectionist, obsessive compulsive, and futuristic. So I thought, I'm not the marrying type, and I will never ever find what I'm looking for. So, I accepted it, maybe it's my fate, I programmed my mind, prepared myself that I will be single forever. Anyway I can seriously find happiness in my own ways... alone. And it's true, I've been experiencing happiness alone for almost 3 years now, and I'm still alive and kicking. But for some strange reasons, here I am again, back to zero, like I never learned... hurting and asking. Well then, I should say, "guess I'm not losing hope". It's either he finds me, or I'll find him.
"I'm too young to settle, too early to get tired, and too hot to be bitter."
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