GITARA (cover)

Out of the Box

There are a lot of things to do, to try, and to explore in this world that will give you happiness for a long time.

Happiness can be experienced in many ways, so as love. Love is everywhere, it's not only found in a partnership of two individuals. It can be expressed and acquired by touching the lives of the people around you in your own ways. What matters most is not how much love you received but rather how much love you've given. The more you connect to people, the more you experience life, the more you acquire love, and the more you get the worth of your existence.

I Am Negative, Are You?

Minsan pala hindi lahat ng negative ay pangit.

Approximately more than 5 years ago, nagpa HIV test ako to make sure I'm safe, and turned out negative, buti naman. The doctor said, I should have myself tested regularly especially kung sexually active ako, ('di naman). Some said, twice a year, others said once a year, then I personally asked a doctor how is it done ba talaga. He said, nagma-manifest ang symptoms ng HIV sa katawan ng tao after five years and that's the only time that the virus can be detected. So naisip ko, eh kung kahapon ako na nainfect, I have to wait pa ng 5 years bago magpa test??? hindi naman daw, prevention is better than cure pa rin daw (which I totally agree) and it depends pa din daw sa resistensya ng katawan ng tao.

Dahil na din siguro sa pagiging busy at katamaran, hindi na nasundan pa ang test kong 'yun until yesterday.

Kahapon, I just realized it's been more than 5 years na since my last test, so I guess this is the moment to shine - nagpa-test ulit ako for HIV screening. I got the result today, at ang bonggah, I AM FREAKIN' NEGATIVE!, so I can shout out loud to the world that I am fucking SAFE!!! no matter how promiscuous I am or not.

You might be wondering why am I sharing this? well, first, gusto ko bakit ba? Second, gusto kong magpaka noble paminsan minsan, I WANNA PROMOTE SAFE SEX!!! hindi lang sa same sex, hindi lang sa mga bading, hindi lang sa mga lalaki, hindi lang sa mga babae, kundi sa LAHAT!!!

Okay fine, ignore my previous statement. Eto nalang, if you are spending hundreds para sa gimik, thousands para mga damit, another thousands para sa mga sapatos, HAVING PEACE OF MIND IS TOTALLY PRICELESS.

After this, I am planning to seriously do this twice a year in different hospitals, para mapraktis ang sinasabi nilang different opinions, para sure na sure.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not having myself tested para gumanda ang tingin ng mga tao about me, para i-please ang mga tao, NO!. I am doing this for ME and me alone.

Oh sya, have a happy, satisfying, safe sex to all! Enjoy life! =)

Caught in the Middle

naramdaman mo na bang parang naka-lutang ka? na parang you're caught in the middle? na parang kasalanan mo somehow pero alam mong hindi? that you did your best pero hindi enough? yung hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar? yung clueless ka sa next move mo? --- ako, oo.

Puso at Isip

may mga pagkakataong ayaw mong i-try ang mga bagay na hindi mo dapat gawin, pero ginawa mo pa rin. there are times na akala mo okay, pero hindi pala. sinasabi ng puso mo na hindi mo dapat gawin pero inuutusan ka ng isip mo na ituloy mo lang. sa simula mag-eenjoy ka pero sooner or later, ihihinto mo dahil na-realize mong hindi dapat. pero sa huli ang magka-ibang sinasabi ng puso at isip mo ay magkaka-sundo rin, at alam mong gagawin at gagawin mo pa din yun sa ibang pagkakataon.

Here I Am Again

Sa totoo lang, I already know the do's and don'ts 'pag dating sa pakikipag-relasyon. But my problem is, I don't exercise them. I have noticed na mabilis akong ma-in love at mabilis akong mag-assume. 'Pag may nakilala ako, at sandali kong naka-usap at nabaitan ako, lalo na kung gusto ko naman., I don't hold myself from showing him what I feel. Napaka-transparrent ko lalo na pag-dating sa emotions. I always defend myself from this, saying: "at least nagpaka-totoo lang ako", I want everything straight foward", "I speak my mind" "liberated akong tao" and sooo many other single lines na gina-gamit ko just to defend myself. Bandang huli, wala rin. Ilang beses na akong nag-reflect about this, until I've come up with several things or may I say "principles of handling a relationship" base na din sa opinion ng mga friends ko at sa sarili kong karanasan. Mystery, Secrets, and Thrill. Of course ako lang gumawa nito, there's really no perfect formula or standard formula in handling a relationship. Every situation is unique, at least ito ang sitwasyon ko.

Dahil sa masyado akong open, predictable, and vocal, nawawalan ako ng mystery. At first, ok sana. Pero I've realized na ang relasyon ay hindi pang isang linggo lang. With me losing mystery, my partner would tend to get bored without anything to look forward to. Kungbaga, alam na n'ya ang buong pagka-tao ko, nakaka-sawa daw 'yun.

Another thing is 'yung "secrets". There are things that are better left untold. Mga bagay na alam kong makaka-sira sa relasyon. Eh kaso, dahil sa kagustuhan kong magpaka-honest at magpaka-totoo, I always open Pandora's box in every relationship that I'm trying to build. Sometimes secrets can help flourish the need and the want for each other.

Sa isang telenovela, kahit gaano kaga-galing ang mga artista, kahit gaano ka-laki ng budget kung ang istorya ay walang thrill, hindi rin ito bi-benta sa mga manonood. Napansin ng mga friends ko at kahit ako napuna ko na din ito sa sarili ko, na sa simula lang nakaka-ramdam ng thrill sa relasyon ang partner ko. Wala akong mood swings, straight to the point lahat, walang drama, walang spice, walang twist, just simple, plain, and flat. You'll automatically see the horizon. Walang lubak at walang liko, the parameter is set and it's only confined in one single plate. Sabagay, kahit naman sino ay maba-bagot talaga sa ganun. I dunno, siguro gusto ko lang maayos ang lahat, planado at walang mali. Kaso, sa sobrang pagiging O.C. (obsessive compulsive) ko, lalong nasi-sira lahat.

I tried applying these 3 principles sa mga naki-kilala ko. Napuna ko, kaya ko palang gawin 'yun with guaranteed results, but that's only to those people whom I am less interested with. Of course, with them I could keep secrets, have mood swings from now and then and drive the relationship in a steep, rocky road. Guess what, it really works. I can make my partner stay and fight for the relationship, pero ako ang umaayaw. Siguro, dahil hindi ko talaga totoong mahal, or siguro pati ako ay nahihirapan sa ganung set up or baka naman hindi 'yun ang totoong ako.

Ewan ko. 'Pag dating sa totoong gusto ko at mahal ko, automatic, sweet agad, "I love you" agad, kiss agad, confess agad, plan agad. Sabi ng bestfriend ko, masyado daw akong easy-to-get. Try ko naman daw na mag-pakipot minsan at itago 'yung feelings ko. Nakukuha daw kasi ako nang walang kahirap-hirap, konting pa-sweet lang at konting bait, hulog na hulog na agad ako. Sa tingin ko tama siya.

Initially, maganda ang reaksyon nila about my views, romantic daw kasi. Pero bakit mabilis mag-sawa ang tao? Napaka-ironic, halos lahat ng pinag-tanungan ko ay gusto 'yung ganun, pero once they have it, they will look for a distraction, drama, luha at hirap. Dahil dun daw nagiging matatag ang relasyon. Well, I can't keep a relationship that eventually will fall, neither keeping it for a longer time with me fooling myself and not being happy at all. All I want is somebody who will love me without any conditions. Who will let me be me, the real me and will still stay with me whoever I am. But I guess, that's too perfect. Maybe the problem is me, being perfectionist, obsessive compulsive, and futuristic. So I thought, I'm not the marrying type, and I will never ever find what I'm looking for. So, I accepted it, maybe it's my fate, I programmed my mind, prepared myself that I will be single forever. Anyway I can seriously find happiness in my own ways... alone. And it's true, I've been experiencing happiness alone for almost 3 years now, and I'm still alive and kicking. But for some strange reasons, here I am again, back to zero, like I never learned... hurting and asking. Well then, I should say, "guess I'm not losing hope". It's either he finds me, or I'll find him.

"I'm too young to settle, too early to get tired, and too hot to be bitter."

Destructive Connection

every time i meet new people, every time i make a connection, and every time i get close to them, i know that sooner or later we'll be more than strangers to each other. after knowing each other's secrets, sharing thoughts about everything, acknowledging the differences and weaknesses, establishing respect and trust, there will be a point that you'll gonna ask "what's next?" this is when this so called "destructive connection" gets into the picture.

this is the stage where we have to decide whether we opt to stay connected or not. the stage that we have to look for the answer to the question "what else i could discover about you after uncovering everything?" sad to say in my case, it seems that this destructive connection took the liberty to decide on my behalf, by ending the bond that we both enjoyed. leaving shared memories to the forgotten chest and eventually turn everything around.

i may not be a people-pleaser person, but i wanna stay connected to people who share the same interests as i am. ='(

Endo

End of Contract.

Every person we've met, every relationship we've had, every rejection we've shed tears, every triumph we've celebrated, there is one sole reason why we had them, and will eventually end their contract after they served their purpose.

I've met an older guy to teach me the essence of waiting...

I've had my latest 5-month relationship to experience what it's like get totally committed...

I've got rejected for several times by the same guy for me to realize my self-worth...

And I've reached some of my goals at this early age to prove the world that I can do it......

All of them have done their purpose, they've brought the best out of me, and helped me become a better me. Eventually, they have to go, they have reached the end of their contract. I'd like to thank them for doing their part in molding me to be the person that I am right now. 

All the things that are happening to me, are the best things that are intended for me.

Sa'yo Pa Rin Ang Huling Desisyon

Hindi mahalaga kung iba ang iniisip ng mga tao tungkol sa'yo lalo na kung hindi mo naman alam kung ano ang iniisip nila sayo.

If you lose your virginity to some losers, syempre iisipin ng mga tao ang tanga mo. Pero kung para sa'yo magaling siya sa kama at naka-limang orgasms ka at sobrang nag-enjoy ka, ramdam mong 'di ka pa din dehado baka nga umulit ka pa eh. Kung feeling mo ang ganda-ganda mo sa damit mo kahit iniisip ng mga taong mukha kang pokpok, pero syempre walang nag lakas loob na sabihin sa'yo 'yun at hindi ka aware, at the end of the day ramdam mong maganda ka pa din at papaniwalaan mong yung mga taong tumingin sa'yo ay gandang ganda sa'yo kahit iniisip nilang ang cheap mo. Still, ang masusunod ay kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan mo. Kung feeling mo ikina-sosyal mo na ang pagsabi ng "oh my gosh" sa loob ng jeep kahit mukha kang katulong dahil nagtinginan sa'yo ang mga tao akala mo namangha sila dahil marunong kang mag-english pero ang totoong iniisip nila sayo ay trying hard ka, still you will feel good dahil na boost mo ang morale mo sa sarili mong way. Kung feeling mo mahal ka pa din ng bf mo dahil he still shows that he cares kahit ilang beses mo na siyang nahuling may kalandian, ituloy mo lang dahil through that kahit papano napapa-saya ka pa din niya by believing that he still loves you at gusto mo 'yun. Kung feeling mo ikina-talino mo na ang pag kontra sa nakararami dahil iba kang mag-isip sa paniniwala mo, walang magagawa ang mga tao sa paligid mo dahil para sa'yo mas matalino ka sa kanila. Kung feeling mo mas may wisdom ka dahil mas matanda ka sa mga kasamahan mo at madami kang na-experience kahit ang totoo ay mali ka na at tanga ka lang talaga, dahil sigurado kang tama ka, walang makaka-pigil sa'yo kahit na sino.

"Lie sits within the word beLIEve". Kahit ano pa man ang sitwasyon, wether tama ka o mali, ikasa-sama mo man o hindi, pangit man o maganda, kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan mo 'yun pa din ang susundin mo. Nagkakatalo-talo lang naman 'yan sa resulta ng sitwasyon eh.

Lucky dog me

March 30th 2009, first pay check in my new job sa Etel with new ATM sa Union Bank, excited at may ngiti sa mga labi habang nagmamadali akong pumasok sa ATM booth. Since bago lang yung card may default PIN ito na nakalagay sa information paper, I have to change the pin for security purposes of course, believing na activated na yung card (kasi naman, sabi ng HR activated na daw). So ayun, I changed the pin and discarded the information paper na pinunit ko nang pinong-pino at tinapon ko sa trash can. Kampante akong umuwi ng bahay at natulog, I was looking forward to get my first ever pay check for almost a month of training.

Morning the next day, March 31st, I've been hearing a lot of good things about sa sweldo, malaki daw dahil isang buong buwan kaming nag-training at real-time pa daw yung pay out. Kaya ako naman sumugod agad ako sa ATM booth, pumila sa napaka-habang linya ng tao, nag-hintay, at umasa only to find out na yung bagong PIN ko ay hindi pumasok and I still have to use the old one. Reason - kasi daw hindi pa daw activated yung card ko kahapon kaya balewala yung pin change ko. But the real problem was not the status of the card, it's the pin itself. Kailangan yung original at default pin ang gamitin ko to withdraw or access my account. I didn't know it, I didn't have it, tinapon ko na yun sa basurahan kagabi. Gumuho ang mundo ko, bigla akong nanlumo sa nalaman, para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Nawalan ako ng gana sa training, wala akong pera eh, yung mga kasama ko meron. I called Union Bank customer service and gave me two options: transact over the counter for the meantime, or wait till I get the replacement card. Of course I need the money na, kaya I went to the bank and discussed the options, and I learned that the bank doesn't have records for ATM pins since its confidential, so no choice talaga kelangan ko talagang palitan yung card ko. Lalo lang akong nainis, kasi puwera sa 2 weeks ang hihintayin ko to get the replacement card, eh magbabayad pa ako ng 150 pesos, tapos yung card na ipapalit eh ang pangit ng itsura tapos wala pang pangalan ko, kaasar! Dinagdagan pa ng 100 pesos na over the counter transaction charge pag magwi-withdraw ako. Haaay, its just like, I'll be waiting for 2 weeks at mababawasan pa yung pera ko ng 250 pesos. Hindi ako pumayag, pinilit kong gawan ng paraan, kahit alam kong wala na talagang iba pang paraan, ahihihi. I tried my luck to check the trash can na naka-lagay dun sa ATM booth kung saan tinapon ko yung punit-punit na transaction paper ko ang kaso malinis na. So I asked the manager about the trash, (sosyal diba? manager pa ang tinanong just for the trash) kung kelan sila naglinis at nagtapon ng basura. The manager called the maintenance personnel to get an answer, and good thing, yung basura kagabi ay hindi pa niya natatapon. I asked the manager if I could check it out malay mo naman kung andun pa yung pirapirasong papel na pinunit ko diba? Mabuti nalang at mabait yung manager pinayagan akong kalkalin yung basura. Walang hiya-hiya, nagpa-sama ako sa janitress para tingnan yung lukot-lukot na mga papel at isa-isahing tingnan ang bawat basura sa posibilidad na yun ang hinahanap ko. Nakita ko yung ibang parte ng information paper at sinusubukan kong buohin na wari'y puzzle ang mga ito. Hindi ko akalain at hindi ko sukat ma-imagine kung ano ang mararamdaman ko, dahil after around 10 minutes ng pagpapaka-baba ko sa aking pagkatao ay himalang nakita ko ang napaka-liit na piraso ng papel at nandun ang 4 na mahiwagang numero na bubuo ng araw ko - 5-0-5-4. Hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ko, at kung paano ko ipapaliwanag ang nangyari, basta the only thing that I did was I tightly hugged the maintenance personnel, thanked her and rushed to the ATM booth to check, and praise God, it worked!

Nagpa-salamat ako sa bank manager, sa janitress, sa guard, at sa iba pang empleyado dun na naka-saksi sa fabulous na tagumpay ko. Nag-withdraw ako at pagkatapos pinalitan ko na din yung pin, this time for real. At least hindi na ako mag-hihintay ng 2 weeks at hindi na din ako magbabayad ng 250 pesos bank charges.

Nakaka-tuwang isipin na ang nangyari sa akin nung araw na iyon ay reflection ng buhay ko o ng buhay natin. Corny I know, pero kung iisipin mo, pwede eh. Seeing life in general with what happened, no matter how impossible the situation is, how hard it is to decide, how much the consequences will be, whether or not it's your fault, still there's always a way to get through it. There will always be options for us to choose from, there will be people who will always be willing to help us, and you always have yourself to keep you company even up to the lowest part of your journey. Sooner or later, you'll get what's intended for you.

Cuts

CUTS

(Saturday, May 30, 2009)

Blown away, left behind like nowhere else to go.

Bridled with the glowing eyes in the shadow.

A mystified heart struggling to be freed,

heaved with astounding joy yet to be feed.

Closed eyes affright of berserk passion.

A soul eloped with the cold night's prevarication.

Muted lips with strangled words that ran amuck.

Laying and daydreaming you can call me a mutt.

Your smile that incise me from within.

Thou only love could enfold a heart in pain.

The smell of your breath, it summons my sanity.

Every teardrop will deeply cut indubitably.

'diko alam kung in love ba ako dito o in pain or both. basta ang alam ko, inspired akong gumawa ng tula nito... hope you like it... =D

Laro, laro, laro...

Unconsciously, aminin man natin o hindi, may certain na laro tayong sinusundan sa bawat relasyon, buhay, pag-ibig, trabaho, kaaway, kaibigan at kapamilya. Pati sa sarili mo, nakikipag-laro ka din. At ang catch pa dito, kapag hindi ka marunong makipag-laro, talo ka kahit anong galing mo o kahit anong buti mo o kaya nama'y kahit gaano pa ka-sincere ng intention mo, dapat mo pa ding matutunang makipag-laro. Kahit hindi ka player, you will be forced to become one.

Ang rules ng laro ay applicable sa lahat ng sitwasyon sa buhay, but I'd like to focus more on love, siyempre... I'm a hopeless romantic guy, ano pa ba? Napa-pansin ko kasi na kahit gaano mo kagusto ang isang tao, kahit mahal na mahal niyo ang isa't-isa, kung hindi marunong makipag-laro ang partner, for sure matagal na ang 5 months sa relasyon niyo. Ang dami kong kakilalang ganyan, ako mismo nakaranas na. Naalala ko 'yung isang episode ng "Sex and the City" sabi dun, kapag first date mo, whether lalaki ka o babae, kelangan ikaw yung hinahabol. Hindi ka dapat maunang tumawag sa kanya after ng date, kapag tumawag siya today, maghintay ka muna ng about 2-3 days bago ka tumawag uli, para hindi ka magmukhang nagkakandarapa sa kanya. Kapag mag-asawa na, kelangan mag-pretend kang masaya ka palagi pag dating sa sex kung ayaw mong hiwalayan ka. Pag dating sa break ups, dapat pag nagkita kayo ng ex mo, kelangan maganda ka para hindi niya sabihing youre still mourning. Things like that na I really find it absurd.

Bakit kailangan pa nating makipag-laro sa mga taong gusto natin, mahal natin, at malapit sa puso natin? Ako, makikipag-laro ako sa mga taong pampalipas ko lang ng libog, 'yung tipong one night stand lang, 'yung mga taong kinaiinisan ko, 'yung mga taong gusto ko talagang paglaruan at pagtawanan. Pero bakit ganun ang tao? Mahal naman nila, umaayaw pa, gusto naman nila, pakipot pa, naghahanap noon, ngayong andiyan na, ang daming "pero" ang daming demands. Nakaka-lito din ang tao eh no? Hindi natin alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto natin. At ang nakaka-tuwa dito, 'yung gusto natin ay nagbabago every now and then, especially kapag nakuha na natin 'yung gusto natin, we'll be looking for something else.

May kilala akong nagsabing: "gusto ko sa guy 'yung mamahalin ako ng totoo, kahit hindi ganun ka-gwapo basta may koneksiyon kaming dalawa..." ang perfect diba? Kikiligin ka eh pag narining mo. Kaso, 'nung dumating na 'yung taong 'yun - pang-relasyon material eh, hindi ganun ka-gwapo pero 'yung character and personality niya ang nagpapa-gwapo sa kanya. May kilig namang nararamdaman, pero bakit kulang pa rin sa kanya. Biglang nabago ng kaunti 'yung "gusto" niya. This time, kelangan gwapo na... We are still looking for something better than that, I don't know kung ano na naman ang gugustuhin niya after niyang makuha 'yung "gwapo".

Kung sino man ang nagpa-uso ng larong ito, hindi maganda. Hindi maganda ang reasoning at goal ng naimbento niyang laro. Pero I have to admit, dahil sa larong ito nagkakaroon ng thrill ang bawat relasyon na alam ko. But still, itong larong ito, doesn't serve the purpose of love. Kung ganun lang kasi, HINDI LOVE ANG GUSTO NATIN, THRILL ANG GUSTO NATIN. Naiinis ako each time na may gumagamit ng love as their reason to escape, kesyo wala ng love na nararamdaman etc. where in fact, THRILL ang nawala na pinipilit pa din nating hinahanap-hanap sa iba't-ibang tao. Kasi kung mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, wala kang paki-alam sa rules, sa mga dos and don'ts, sa mga sasabihin ng tao, sa sasabihin mo sa sarili mo, hanggat alam mong ibinibigay mo ng buo ang pagmamahal mo, 'yun ang love.

Sana wala nalang laro, sana puro nalang love.

Let's Do It Together

I've met a gay couple, about six month ago. They've been together for 8 years! I was like amazed on how they kept the fire burning the fact that they're living in together and knowing almost everything about each other, but they still find each other sexy.

I got to know them through manjam -- an online gay social networking site. It was like 10 O'clock in the morning when they sent me a message asking me if I'd like to have fun by starting a day with a threesome, I liked the idea so I meet them. They're like in their early 30's but still good looking and of course in shape. When I arrived, they were very warm and friendly, "professional" if I may call it. It took us approximately 20 minutes of light conversation and knowing basic things about each other before we started the party. It was a great play, the players were open and mature. It was one of the plays that I enjoyed.

One thing came into my senses after that, I think they're not doing it because they're not faithful nor they don't find each other attractive anymore, they simply do it to just add twist in their relationship. I've known several couples who does the same thing to keep the relationship going and make it more exciting. I myself, did it once. We cannot ignore the fact that no matter how much we try to keep the attraction for each other, temperature will eventually drop especially when we get too familiar on everything. Every strand of his hair, every freckle on his chest, every wrinkle when he smiles, every time he says "I love you". You'll get used to them not because you're tired of them but because you know they won't go away. And most of the time, we often misinterpret this "security" to something ugly as what we call "falling out of love".

What's Wrong With Being Number 2?

Most of us would like to be on top, will do everything to get out of the bottom. Being number 1 is the locus of our system, for business, for career, for studies, for relationships, for family, everything. I mean, billions of people in the world are striving to be the best and be the number one without realizing that it's like YOU vs. the WORLD. That would be real tough to prove your worth to everyone, right?

I've read a small yet powerful book of Mitch Albom, "Tuesdays With Morrie". Morrie Schwartz said, unconsciously, all of us would like to be recognized on all the things that we do and that's not a crime. But most of the time, we tend to focus on reaching the top without appreciating what we have accomplished so far. There's this part of the book where Morrie and his student Mitch were at the gym, there was a cheerleading group practicing and doing their stunts and chants. Morrie noticed something in their chant, they kept on saying "we're number 1" annoyingly. So what Morrie did, he stood up and shouted, "what's wrong with being number 2 ?!!"

Yeah, there's really nothing wrong with being number 2, in fact, it's already an achievement being the second best. That line shook me up from head to toe. I've never been the best on everything, the truth is, I even consider myself as a mediocre creature. But that line made me feel better and realized that there's really nothing wrong being me, being number 2.

Thailand

I'm planning to visit Thailand for 5 days or a week by the end of this year. I'm still doing some research so I could see as much tourist spots as I could for that short period of time. Hoping PAL or Cebu Pacific has airfare promos to Thailand soon. My problem is, since I'll be travelling alone, baka maligaw ako. lolz.

X-men origins: MAGNETO

I can't wait to see this movie in the big screen, especially the new actor to play PROFESSOR X.... SO LURRRVE IT!!!

Akala Ko

Akala ko malakas ako, akala ko kaya ko, akala ko tapos na ako sa ganitong stage, mali pala ako. Mayroon palang mga bagay na akala ko noon naiintindihan ko at madaling desisyunan pero ngayon ko lang natutunan na "there are certain things that are not meant to be."

I don't know what's wrong with me, bakit until now naghahanap pa din ako. Hinahanap ko pa din yung "somebody" na yun, na kokompleto sa akin. Ayoko ng komplikadong buhay pero, ako mismo ay isang malaking komplikadong tao. I know na everything has the right time for the right moment. Naintindihan ko na may mga bagay na hindi dapat madaliin, kasi ilang beses ko ng naranasang maiwan sa ere, clueless, at hindi alam ang next move dahil sa pagmamadali ko. I thought natutunan ko na ang lesson ko, akala ko kaya ko ng i-handle ang mga ganung sitwasyon, hindi pala. Nangyari na naman, naiwan na naman ako dahil sa kagustuhan kong magmadali. Hindi ko alam kung pangit ba ako, sobra bang O.A. ang pag eexpress ko ng nararamdaman ko, do I need to hide my feelings, or do I have to play this put*ng in*ng game na 'to? 

Masarap ang pakiramdam ng may makikilala kang may connection agad, na alam mo deep inside "pwede eh". 'Yung pakiramdam na lagi kang puno. Punong-puno 'yung puso mo dahil sa sobrang saya ng nararamdaman mo everytime na kausap mo siya, ka-text, kapag tumatawag siya, everytime na nagkaka-salubong ang mga mata niyo, every moment na naiisip mo siya, nami-miss mo siya, gusto mo siyang yakapin, halikan, pagsilbihan, maka-tabi habang nanonood ng dvd, o kaya panoorin lang siyang mahimbing na natutulog. 'Yun 'yung mga moments na priceless, 'yung mga moments na hindi ko kailangang magkunwari, magtago, mangarap. At ang mga ito, mas masarap kapag naibubuhos ko lahat sa kanya, lahat-lahat, walang ititira, buong-buo, walang hesitations, walang inhibitions, walang doubts, walang fears, walang laro, just pure love. I don't believe dun sa kasabihang 'pag nagmahal ka, dapat magtira sa sarili, that's bullshit. Dahil iba 'yung love sa sarili at iba din 'yung love sa partner. You can give 100% love sa sarili mo at 100% sa partner mo. Kung mawala siya at hindi mag-work out ang relasyon, edi nawala ang 100% for him, but you still have your own 100% sa sarili mo.

Corny na kung corny, pero ganun eh. May nakapag-sabi sa aking "ikaw kasi, hindi mo man lang ako hinayaang habulin ka". In a way, my point siya. Hindi ko man lang siya hinayaang ma-develop 'yung nararamdaman niya for me, hindi ko man lang siya pina-hinog, hindi man lang ako nag-pakipot. Pero anong gagawin ko? 'yun ang nararamdaman ko, 'yun ang sinasabi ng puso ko. Bakit ako magpapa-habol kung ayokong tumakbo, ayokong lumayo? ako nga yung humahabol eh. Ang mga hinahabol lang ay 'yung mga pinipilit at uma-ayaw. Ang mali lang sa akin, hindi ko kayang kontrolin ang puso ko, ang nararamdaman ko. Ang mali sa akin, hindi ko kayang sundin ang rules ng so-called "laro" ng buhay at pag-ibig.

Siguro nga, I have to analyze everything, baguhin ng konti ang strategy ko, at pag-aralan ang rules ng laro na alam kong permanente na sa mundo. Pero kumbinsido pa rin ako sa isang bagay - giving all the love that you could give no matter what happens. 'Yun lang kasi ang maio-offer ko sa mahal ko nothing else. Dun ko lang kasi masasabing "I did my part". Ayokong mabuhay ng may regrets, may what ifs and maybes.

Akala ko, sabi nila if you love someone, just be yourself and let the love guide you, mali na naman pala 'yun. Ang gulo ng buhay, ang komplikado ng tao, nakaka-pagod. Pero siyempre, I have no other choice but to accept what I have and enjoy what's left for me. Andyan naman palagi ang alter ego ko eh, the strong me who will always be there to catch me everytime I fall. Maybe I'm addicted to pain, addicted to its consequences, and to what I will be getting from it. 

Akala ko may tao pang willing mag-buhos ng totoong pagma-mahal ng walang kondisyon, pagmamahal na walang ibang attachments, pagmamahal na yayakapin ako ng buong-buo at mahigpit na tipong hindi na ako pakakawalan pa. Pagmamahal na mamahalin ko din sa sarili kong paraan. Akala ko meron pang ganun, pero parang wala na eh, nauubusan na ako ng oras. Sana this time, mali ako. But I'm not losing hope, I'll be waiting for that somebody, gaano man siya katagal.

Porn parodies

nakaka tawa pala ang mga movie parodies na ginagawang porn. hahahhah merong tarzan X, batman X, superman X pati twilight X. WHAHAHAHAH. im now downloading catwoman X.  LOLZ

They Walk Amongst Us

I'm just 28, but I've met a lot of people, and I know how to identify one from the other. I just like to warn y'all about what I call a "Chameleon". They walk among us, but they're not like us. They will surely break your heart, tear it apart, and will not stop as long as they know there's still a single spark of hope in you that they could feed into. They will suck you dry up to the last drop of respect that you have for yourself.

First, he'll tell you about his dreams and plans, his beliefs about relationships. He will make you feel that he's into serious and long term relationships, he will make you fall for him. Second, when he knows that you're on it, he'll give you chance. Of course you'll grab that chance hoping for the possibilities. And then, he'll show you all the cues and signs that he's into you too, you'll fall for that. You will stay in that stage for a while, waiting, hoping. Chameleons will lie low for a moment, then you'll be clueless, you'll think you did something wrong. Then you will exert extra effort to keep him, he will like it, he will again indulge himself to all the benefits that he could get from you. Somehow you'll be happy because you know that he's having fun with you, only at your own expense. He will enjoy that moment, and he will do everything to keep that moment as it is. But your heart is telling you otherwise. You want more than that, you want confirmation, you want security, you wanna make sure that he's yours. No one can blame you, you're just following your heart, you're just being true to yourself. But sadly, he will refuse, he will bluntly tell you that he wanted to stay with what you currently have for whatever crappy reasons that he could use. Somehow, it will sound he's right, and it's your fault. But if you're going to scrutinize the situation further, you'll see that its a win-loose situation. He's winning, 'cause he get's to enjoy all the benefits but you're loosing, because you don't know where to stand. You're confused, you're troubled. The worst part is, he'll play naive. Despite that he's aware of your feelings for him, he'll be real sweet to you and you'll get crushed to death by the thought that it's nothing for him, that you're just a special friend.

Then you'll find yourself crying, hurting from the fact that you were rejected. And realization comes into the picture, you'll try to let go of your feelings for him, it will be hard, but it will be even harder, because as you are trying to let go of him, he will start giving you another hope, another smile, another reason for you to stay and keep your feelings for him. Then it will become a cycle, like nowhere else to go, just like you're stuck with him, with that feeling that will never grow at all. A stagnant dead water -- rotten, lifeless. You'll be rejected twice, the third time, maybe more than that. Until you loose your heart, your personality, your character, yourself. 

If you're not strong enough to get away from this blackhole, you'll get eaten by it alive and you'll be lost inside yourself. You'll be in the midst of an ugly truth that cannot be erased. However, on the other hand, if you were able to fight this rogue heart and redeemed your self-respect, the fulfillment is astounding. You'll be wiser, you'll be extra careful and you'll know how to identify a chameleon.

We can't easily identify them, we're not sure who they are, or what they look like. But one thing is for sure, they're here and they're watching us. It could be the one sitting beside you, or you just don't know, maybe... you're one of them.

"The darkest soul can't be found in hell, they walk amongst us, pretending to be one of us."

Ganito Ka Ba Mag-English?

Try mo 'tong intindihin...

SI INDAY...

SI INDAY...

It was jazz an ordinary day. The skies

were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang

mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin,

nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga!

Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may

bumulong sa akin ng: "Indaaaayyyy......"

Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound.

Who can it be now? "Dodong!" sigaw ko.

Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other

fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud and proud." Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong

ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.

"Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here

open? tanong nya.

"Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just droppings

by. Ethnic and schedule ko eh" sabi ko.

Memories came flushing in my mind. How

can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni

Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. he's every woman's dreamboat. I was just

starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong.

Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami

for a while then after that were not an item anymore.

"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we

have lunch together?" tanong ni Dodong. "I don't mine" sagot ko. Sa

restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. "What's your odor sir?"

Sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.

"Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni

Dodong.

"Yes sir" sabi nito. "Our porkshop with

a resistance to the teeth of Boast of our chef. Domestic careful

selection of pork with little fat of Female liking is used. The

exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and Was completed. it

also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully" Dagdag niya.

"And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa

akin.

Hmmm... mukhang masarap yung porkshop.

Pero I'm cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.

"I'll just have water, thanks. Liquidate

diet ako eh." sagot ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong

manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it's a long,

long way to run.

"Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na

ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I'm happily married" pagmamalaki ko.

"Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry

pero I didn't expect you still have more feelings than I expected. i

don't want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and

defect." dagdag ko pa.

Tumahimik sya. Parang may language

barrel na namagitan sa amin. The Seconds that passed seemed like

fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.

"I don't care less!" sigaw ni Dodong.

Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng

taong ito para sigawan ako! To Think it's his other woman that caused

our separation to part.

Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all

over my body and was having Panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at

nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero Sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey

on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng Security guard. Biglang nawala

si Dodong.

"Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?"

sabi ko sa mamang guard.

"Of course miss, I can help you with my

pleasure." sagot niya.

"Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me

to the right erection? I got Lost in my eyes."

"Diretso lang." sabi niya. "Then turn

right anytime with care."

"Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.

Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit

lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang

nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag disappear

nya.

"Nyahahaha! You can run but you can

hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!" pananakot nya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too

much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar.

Then suddenly, Jay come from behind!

Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it's all over.

I'm out of arm's way.

"Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?"

bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya:

"I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako

ni Angel eh. I heard you shout But at first I didn't give it a thought.

Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then i give it a

thought. I know something is a missed."

From then on, Dodong did not brother me

again. In fact, he didn't even sister me. As in platonic at wala na

talaga.

Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa

rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at

walang exhibitions. i feel I'm on cloud.

Cause & Effect

The reason why you got so close to me, is because I opened my door and let you in. The reason why I let it open for a while, is because I wanna know what will happen next. The reason why I'm closing it permanently, is because I've learned that there's no point of keeping it open for you.The reason why there are people like me, is because of the people like you. The reason why there are strong people in this world, is because of the weak people like you to compare with them. The reason why you're weak, is because fear is gnawing you out. The reason why you thought I'm so into you, is because I intentionally let you feel that way. The reason why people are chasing you, is because they did not get what they want from you. The reason why you're not giving them what they want, is because you know that you'll eventually loose them after. The reason why you're loosing everything, is because you mistakenly thought that you're just protecting yourself. The reason why the world is complicated, is because the people in it are making things complicated. 

The reason why I'm writing this, is because I wanted YOU to know that everything boils down to one simple reason: choice. Every choice, has consequences. Every action, has equal reaction. For every cause, there's always an effect.

The reason why I showed you everything I could offer, is not because I want to please you but to please ME.

BISEXUAL????? O BAKLA?????

people got no idea what bisexuality really means... and surprisingly ang mga bakla pa ang nalilito dito... typical connotation ng pinoy sa "bi" ay kilos lalaki, bihis lalaki, pormang lalaki, lalaki magsalita, at ayaw ng gay scenes "daw". karamihan sa mga nakahalubilo ko sa ganitong mundo ay ipagpipilitan nilang 'bi' sila samantalang ni kahit isang babae wala pa silang natitikman kundi puro lalaki lang. yung iba may natikman ng babae, pero once or twice palang as compare sa mga natikmang lalaki na hindi na halos mabilang sa dami. ano ba talaga ang totoong kahulugan ng bisexuality? and what is soooo wrong embracing yourself that you are gay? linawin natin ito.... 

BISEXUAL ang isang tao pag pumapatol siya sa parehong lalaki at babae, walang preferences, kung ano ang nakahain, yun ang kakainin. kahit baklang bakla ka at transvestite ka pa kung pinapatos mo pa din ang parehong lalaki at babae, BISEXUAL ka pa din... 

on the other hand, ang BAKLA o pagiging BAKLA ay hindi lamang naka- kahon sa malamyang kilos, sa malanding pagsasalita, sa pagsusuot ng pambabaeng mga damit, o kaya sa paglalagay ng make up sa mukha. "bakla ka kung hanap mo ay kapwa mo lalaki yun yon" discreet ka man o loud, transvestite ka man o baklang parlor, byukonera ka man o pasweet lang, iisa lang ang hanap natin -- TITI.

ngayon, maraming bakla sa pinas na sooobrang ginagamit ang label na "BI" to hook up. duh, eh baka mag unahan pa kayong tumuwad pag nasa kama na kayo eh... siguro ang point ko lang dito ay... we dont need to label things to separate one from the other, kung kailangan talaga nating mag-label siguraduhin naman nating naiintindihan talaga natin ang totoong kahulugan at gagamitin natin ito sa nararapat na gamit nito...

Letting go

Letting go of someone you love is like living a life without purpose, driving without destination, and singing a song you don't know...

For almost 2 months that I've been with him, as a friend or I don't know what should I call it, I've learned a lot. I've learned another way of loving through hope, hope that made me realize a lot of things, things that made me become a better person as what I am now. But I can't deny the fact that until now I'm still hoping for the possibility that we could be together. I still fantasize all the great things that we could do, we could be together, we could grow old together, we could talk anything and everything under the sun, we were a perfect match. The situation was too big that I couldn't handle it, bigger than him, bigger than me. I just don't understand why can't he love me back, or why won't he let me love him.I tried to move on and forget my feelings for him and just simply be a friend, but I can't. I did my very best to save what's left for us but I'm drowning with the thought of him getting over me. I did all the things that I know to show my love for him or to at least please him, but life is unfair... I couldn't have him. I don't know if he did something intimately to at least try it with me, but the funny thing is, he still have me. I'd like to move on, get over him, love myself again. If anger is the only way for me to completely forget this, I'm willing to take it. If ending the friendship will cause me peace of mind and sanity, then I'll take the risk. I don't need him just to be my friend, I need him to grow old with me. I need his love, I need him every now and then, I want him in every moment of my life, I need him.Everytime we talk, everytime he talks about him waiting for his prince charming, him getting tired of waiting, him longing for love, I can't help but wonder why does he need to look around, when I'm already here waiting for him willing to love him with all my heart. And everytime that happens, it gnaws me from inside out, and I couldn't stand it.But hope is overrated, and I need to let go. I will maybe lose a good friend but soon, I will be able to redeem my self-respect and I don't need to cry every night squeezing my head trying to figure out what's in his mind. I will let go of his smile, of his warm hugs, of all of our conversations, of all the shared memories with him, his company, his friendship, him...

If letting go of someone you love is like living a life without purpose, I'll find one...

If it's like driving without destination, there will be people that I could ask for it... 

And if it's like singing a song you don't know, I can sing karaoke...

The Greatest Woman I Know

The Greatest Woman I Know

I've done a lot of blogs about love, life, and people but all of my thoughts about everything actually came from the greatest woman I know-- my mom. For me, she's the strongest and fiercest yet kind-hearted mother in the world. When she was young, her beauty was very radiant and exceptional. Up to now, she still has it, mind you she doesn't look 66 years old, she still has several suitors asking for a date (bongga!). Though she did not finish High School, she knows how to speak her mind, she knows a lot about life, she knows how to handle her finances, she knows the law and government processes, she's like the jack of all trades. She is aware of her rights, she flaunts her strengths and acknowledges her weaknesses. She will stop when she reaches her limitations but perseveres when there's a need to cross the line. She fights when she's right, she loves with all her heart, she gives more than she has, she knows what she wants and she knows the ways on how to get it. She lives by her principles but is willing to bend them when necessary. She may not be the best mother of all, but she's better than the rest. I don't know how she did it, but it seems that she can feel what I need. For instance, simple things like, I'm running out of groceries, next thing I know, she's right outside my door, knocking... with bags of groceries. Old folks used to say, "a mother knows best", that's very true. Although most of the time, I don't consider her advises, but in the end I will always realize that she's right. This may sound cheesy I know, but she deserves to be recognized. Si mama ay 'yung tipo ng puno na sa kabila ng pagkaka-tanim sa mabatong lugar, ay nagamit niya ang gaspang ng mga bato upang kapitan ng kanyang mga ugat na lalong nagpapatibay sa kanya. At dahil dito kahit gaano kalakas ng unos, walang sinumang makakapagpa-bagsak sa punong ito, na lalong nakakapagpa-hanga sakin. Everything I have and everything I know, I owe it to her. And I will be forever indebted, for I know I will never be able to give her as much love she gave me. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my mom for everything she did to me, for all the love and understanding, for making me feel safe and believing in me. She's the only person I know who's capable of loving unconditionally no matter what. She gave me not only knowledge but wisdom, not only life but a life with purpose, taught me not only to be strong but to have strength to accept defeat. If I get the chance to be born again and live a life of my choice, I will definitely ask God to have Fe Romero be my guide to mold me, to love me, to scold me, to listen to me, to care for me, to shape me, to teach me everything, and to be my mom. She's the ONLY person who despite all my flaws, she kept her faith and constantly believed in me. These are some of the billion things I'll be forever thankful for having you ma... Salamat po.

Rush

I had this amazing conversation with a well-experienced friend just yesterday. He taught me about patience and the value of waiting for the right time and for the right moment.I'm a kind of person who's always in a rush, coz I know that time changes everything. When I'm in love, I wanna nurture it, take advantage of it while the feeling is still there. I don't wanna hold myself from what I feel and what I want to do. But this guy, he told me that everything that comes instantly won't last. There's this process in everything, if you wanna grow your hair, you have to wait and let its sweet time to pass. Sometimes it takes time before you get what you want, and once you get it, the self-satisfaction is tremendous. This process will let you grow, teach you to wait, give hope, keep you going, let you understand yourself, and will give you the true value of life. These are the things that I'm missing each time I rush things out. Now, I'm trying to apply this in dealing situations like searching for the right one for me. My friend is almost 40 years old, and yet he follows this process and patiently waits for the result, he should be the one rushing not me. I was like knocked out by the thought of losing the one I love because I did not respect this process. Well at least, I now know what to do the next time I meet someone to love.Of course, rushing is not a bad thing at all, there are still things that are worth rushing. But in this case, I need to learn how to wait. Especially if I'm wishing for something that would last forever....

Why Am I Still Single?

Why Am I Still Single?

A potential candidate to be a lifelong lover asked me, why am I still single? Yeah, I wonder why... 

A conversation with a closed friend eventually flashed back when I asked him, "Am I a good catch?". "Yes" he replied. 

I know that I'm a good catch, but I can't help but wonder why potential lovers keep their distance from me? Then we came up to a lot of possibilities why. Of all those things, one thing really made sense, they're afraid of me. I know it sounds silly but it's a big possibility. For the past few relationships I've had and several flings, I just realized how passionate I am in handling things. Especially if I'm into it, I really put everything I have, all my energy, enthusiasm, courage, beliefs, knowledge, soul, love, strength, my life, believing that it is essential to nourish my connection to it. 

This is true on everything, I give my all if I'm so interested on a particular endeavor, if I have a certain goal, if I believe on some ideology, or if I'm so in love with someone. Because of this, I tend to "wow" them and eventually scare them at some point, especially to those who are not used to this kind of commitment. My friend explained; it is possible that because of this so called "behavior" of mine, they (the potential lovers) get really overwhelmed with what I could do, and what I could give. They get to the point of not knowing what to do with it or how to handle it. With my huge offer to them, they're not sure if they could give something even comparable to my offer. It's just like I've got so much to offer that they don't know if their heart could accommodate everything. That's why, they just opted to not pursue our future possibilities before they disappoint themselves. And I am left behind confused, clueless, hanging and wondering why. My reflexes will surely be telling me it's all my fault, that I did something wrong, that I did not do my part. Of course soon, I'll beat up myself to hell and will be stuck in a stage where confusion will always be confused, questions will not meet any answers, and endless strategies that will never work at all.

So after that quick memory flash in my head, I finally got an answer to the question that was asked to me by a "potential candidate to be a lifelong lover." 

For a few seconds, he was silent... Then he said "let me try..."